Friday, June 22, 2012

Query Trial


    
   Exciting! I've joined in a Blog tour this past week in which a bunch of other writer/bloggers will visit and comment on and critique each other's query letters. For those not synced in with the publishing world, that is the letter an author sends to a literary agent (think real estate agent for manuscripts) asking for representation. Once an agent takes you on, then you have a toe in the door for the market. The agent is the one who storms the Publishers and convinces them (usually without a sword at the throat) to turn your story into a bound book for all the masses to read.

   But the only way to get an agent is to convince them with the power of your pen (or PC/Mac). So let's get down and dirty. Here is the latest version of my query letter. Read on:


  Anna-Maria de Savonie’s first romance ended badly with drugged wine, daggers and quite a bit of blood. Unsavory rumors still swirl about Anna, and there hasn’t been a nuptial nibble in nearly three years. Now seventeen, she is about to be offered up as the matrimonial prize in her father’s jousting tournament. Resigned to her fate, Anna attempts to be the demure princesa her father and the suitors expect, but one man gets under her skin and unravels her charade.

   Cornelius didn’t give a tinker’s patch for the crown of Verdebois, but a series of suspicious deaths in his family have left him the crown, attempts on his life and the need to find bride; none of which he desires. After being soundly rejected by Anna-Maria, he gallops away towards home. But, he never reaches his kingdom. Instead, Cornelius returns a fortnight later, beaten, beggared and in disguise. Letters soon arrive from the new regent of Verdebois announcing Cornelius’ death and demanding recompense – a crippling amount of gold, or the marriage of Anna to a cruel Verdeboyne noble.

   “Neil”, disguised as a down-on-his-luck minstrel, offers a life amongst the roaming players if Anna marries him. When she accepts, Neil doesn’t reveal his true identity; he wants to woo the stubborn beauty without the courtly trappings. And if he stays incognito, it will be much easier to discover who is attempting to usurp his throne.

   THE CHESTNUT MAID is a YA adventure/romance of 100,000 words with two alternating points-of-view set in the late medieval period. It is the first of a trilogy as Neil works to reclaim his kingdom and Anna searches for her true place in the world and in Neil’s heart.
   
   [Here’s the part I’m really struggling with…I don’t know what to put in for my background /education/etc. This part is the real hash. I’ve had so many versions, then I cut/delete again. I only have and Associates Degree and I’ve been married and raising kids for the past twelve years. J]

   Always interested in the humanities, I received a degree in Fine Arts from BYU-Idaho. I have been an avid reader of YA fiction for the past twenty years and started seriously writing my own stories over the past four years. I adore Shannon Hale, love reading Tamora Pierce and fell head-over-heels for A.C. Gaughen's "Scarlet" this past spring. I am currently a member of the SCBWI and this manuscript was requested after a pitch session with a representative from Chronicle Books. I am just polishing it up before sending it off.


So let me know...What's the verdict? What do I keep? What do I toss? What's unclear? And what was so totally awesome? 

25 comments:

  1. By the way...forgot to mention: This Blog tour is sponsored by Heather Webb at her writing blog, "Between the Sheets" at http://www.heatherwebb.net/blog.

    Thanks for sponsoring such a fun and educational activity for us writers, Heather!

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  2. Amelia,
    I LOVE this concept!! The voice is there, too, which is fabulous. You've done a good job setting the stage and drawing in the reader, IMO. A couple of quick thoughts:

    1. When you open your query, "Dear so and so, I saw your recent post on Pub' Weekly (for ex.)..." Be SURE to put that an editor from Chronicle Books has requested the full. Definitely lead with this! Don't bury it in your bio.
    2. Though I really like this query(!!), it's a bit long. I challenge you to trim 25 words. The third paragraph in particular, gives away a lot of what happens. You want to tease the agent to want to read more. Only keep what is ABSOLUTELY necessary to get the point across and tempt us to read more. For example, take a look at what I've trimmed. I color-coded it, but it's not showing up. Sorry!:


    Anna-Maria de Savonie’s first romance ended badly with drugged wine and quite a bit of blood. Unsavory rumors still swirl about Anna, and there hasn’t been a nuptial nibble in nearly three years. Now seventeen, she is offered up as the matrimonial prize in her father’s jousting tournament. Anna attempts to be the demure princesa her father and the suitors expect, but one man unravels her charade.

    Cornelius didn’t give a tinker’s patch for the crown of Verdebois, but a series of suspicious deaths have left leave him the crown and the need to find bride; neither of which he desires. After being rejected by Anna-Maria, he gallops away towards home. But, he never reaches his kingdom. Instead, Cornelius returns a fortnight later, beaten, beggared and in disguise. Letters soon arrive from the new regent of Verdebois announcing Cornelius’ death and demanding recompense – a crippling amount of gold, or the marriage of Anna to a cruel Verdeboyne noble.

    “Neil”, disguised as a down-on-his-luck minstrel, offers a life amongst the roaming players(who are these people?—it’s unclear) if Anna marries him. And if he stays incognito, it will be much easier to discover who is attempting to usurp his throne. (rework this last sentence, but you’re on the right track with it. I deleted the sentence before. IMO, it gives away too much.)

    THE CHESTNUT MAID is a YA historical romance complete at 100,000 words with two alternating points-of-view set in the late medieval period. (Give us a comparison novel here or at least compare your style to another author and link it with this sentence---It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

    I am a member of SCBWI and (any other online writing groups? Put them here). My degree in Fine Arts provided/aided, etc. details for the rich Medieval setting (or something along these lines. Make it brief.)

    Good luck with this! I'm interested to see what the others say! :)

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    1. Thanks Heather! Love your input!

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    2. Oh, and "Roaming Players" are minstrels, gypsies, acrobats and other vagabond types. I'll have to consider how to re-word.

      I also like the trim you gave it. Thanks for your insight.

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  3. Love how you started off explaining the query-- I hadn't thought to do that and it was a thoughtful read. :)

    I adore your first para.--great stuff and well-written. :) I wouldn't change a thing.
    I would tweak sentence one para. two a little bit. Of course Cornelius would not desire an attempt on his life, that’s assumed, but I love the beginning. How about:

    Cornelius didn’t give a tinker’s patch for the crown of Verdebois, and the mysterious deaths of each predecessor casts an ominous pall over his kingship. His attempt at securing the requisite bride is met with a sound rejection from Anna-Maria. He gallops away towards home, but never reaches his kingdom. Instead, Cornelius returns a fortnight later, beaten, beggared and in disguise. Letters soon arrive from the new regent of Verdebois announcing Cornelius’ death and demanding recompense – a crippling amount of gold, or the marriage of Anna to a cruel Verdeboyne noble.

    “Neil,”(comma inside quotes, I think) disguised as a down-on-his-luck minstrel, offers a life amongst the roaming players if Anna marries him. When she accepts, Neil remains incognito, seeking to woo the stubborn beauty without the courtly trappings, and flush out the usurper of his throne.

    What a wonderful premise— and boy, is this strong-willed heroine going to mad when she founds that Neil is Cornelius. I can almost see it. :P

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Sorry, flubbed my earlier comment...

      Thanks D.D.! I like what you've done with the second para.

      This is so great to have others looking over my query and getting various help and opinions. :)

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  4. It didn't think of explaining what a query is on my blog. Nice job explaining this evil little letter.

    I love your first paragraph - I wouldn't change it.

    Cornelius didn’t give a tinker’s patch for the crown of Verdebois, but a series of suspicious deaths in his family left him the crown, attempts on his life and the need of a bride, the least of desires. After being rejected by Anna-Maria, he gallops away towards home. But, he never reaches his kingdom. Instead, Cornelius returns a fortnight later, beaten, beggared and in disguise. Letters soon arrive from the new regent of Verdebois announcing Cornelius’ death and demanding recompense – a crippling amount of gold, or the marriage of Anna to a cruel Verdeboyne noble.

    This is your biggest problem paragraph. It does give too much away. Tease the agent. I agree with D.D. - I can see this heroine in a furious rant when she finds the truth. Use that.

    "Neil," disguised as a down-on-his-luck minstrel, (I am not sure what this means - offers a life amongst the roaming players if Anna marries him.) Neil wants to woo the stubborn beauty without the courtly trappings, and it will be much easier to discover who is attempting to usurp his throne. (Still a little off)

    What are the stakes for Anna? You might play on the blow out.

    When Anna discovers his true identity, the attempt on his life might look pleasurable in comparison to her rage.


    Just some ideas. Good luck - I'll look for you on the bookshelves.


    http://write4teen.webs.com/apps/blog/

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    1. Thanks for the ideas, Glacier. This is so good to get feedback from several people. As the same though comes up again and again, I can tell I need to pay attention. Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to give your input. :)

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  5. I love the voice and the concept! I love the medieval time period, so this is something I would definitely read. I agree with what others have said regarding your third paragraph. And although I understand why you've included the whole name of your protagonist, for me personally it made it harder for me to get into the letter. Just my personal preference, I like to start with a bang, or just the first name and then the bang. ;)

    I would keep your bio as brief as possible or take it out altogether. I've heard some agents say they prefer it when you skip the bio if you haven't been published before. If you're going to keep it, just mention your degree, writing conferences and groups.

    Best of luck! And thanks for the awesome feedback on my query. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jenn, for your input. I appreciate all the advice and points of views. And I was happy to read your query. Again, I really like the concept. :)

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  6. Hi Amelia,
    Congrats on the request for the full manuscript - you've made it so far!

    I also like the first paragraph - the style, the wording, how it conveys Anna's history and feelings. The next two paragraphs I found jarring, because the pov shifted, first to Cornelius and then Neil. If you book includes pov shifts, then perhaps this is correct, but I wonder if keeping it focused on Anna and how these two suitors play into her story would be more direct for a query?

    I agree with comments to cut down the bio to degree, groups, conferences attended.

    Best wishes!

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    1. Thanks so much Lisa! I appreciate your feedback. I'm sorry it was a little jarring. I wanted to introduce Cornelius, the hero of the story and his POV. He is actually "Neil" as well. He disguises himself and does not reveal his true identity to Anna-Maria. She knows him as Neil and thinks that King Cornelius from the kingdom next door was killed by brigands just after she rejected him. Can make for an interesting stew of emotions, especially when she finds out the truth...

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  7. You've had such great feedback already I don't feel qualified to offer any more or any better suggestion. What I can give you is my gut reactions.

    I love the phrases, "nuptual nibble," and "Cornelius didn’t give a tinker’s patch for the crown of Verdebois." It made me smile. It makes me feel confident that you'll have interesting and new turns of phrase in your story - something I look for in stories.

    I also love stories with alternating points of view (The Help comes to mind). I find that approach stimulating on both a story level and academically.

    WHen I got to he end and found out it was a YA historical romance I thought, "Rats. But I want to read this. I'm not a youth." Is it possible to call it by its genre but also say that its a great read for everyone? I don't know, I just wonder. I want to read your story!

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    1. Hi Donna,

      First of all, I have to say...YA is not just for teens anymore! So many of my women friends read YA (and NOT just Twilight). I think that's why its grown so quickly the past few years. Yes, teens buy a lot of books, but its also many adults who are buying them. Though of course, the protag is a teen (17) its not just for kiddos. So much of the YA books published are sophisticated novels in their own rights with stories that can experienced universally.

      *ahem* stepping off my soapbox, now

      Thanks for all the kind comments, especially the ones from your gut. Those always seem to be right. :) I enjoy alternating POV (as long as there aren't more than four, then it gets confusing). I love reading alternate versions of well-known books, like Mr. Darcy's version of Pride and Prejudice. Particularly in relationships, I find that so much of the tangle comes from misunderstanding and presumptions. And when viewed from both lenses, the tension can be built rather nicely.

      Just hope that I can pull it off! :)

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    2. Thanks for the reply, Amelia, and the mini-education about YA! Given how many YA stories are part of this blog hop, and how interesting they all sound, I must say I'm going to have to dust off my inner teen (I can hear my 16 year old son groan at that idea!).

      I have no doubt you'll pull this off! And I hope you'll add me to your mailing list to announce that the book is available. Sign me up for a copy for sure!

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    3. Ha Ha! You're welcome. I'm always happy to spout about YA! And I will be happy to have you as a fan and future reader!;)

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  9. Amelia, I really enjoyed this too, and don't know if I have much to add to the comments! But I do agree that trimming it up a bit would help.

    I also think that since this is alternating POV that in paragraph 3, I want to know more about the stakes for Anna-Maria, otherwise I think you may run the risk of the novel sounding more like it's about Cornelius/Neil (which very well might be the case!)
    And definitely lead with the request from Chronicle Books!!! Congrats!

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    1. Thanks Liz! Great advice. The story is just about half & half between Cornelius/Neil and Anna-Maria, but slides a bit to favor Anna.

      I hear the cry of the masses...I will lead with the request from Chronicle Books. Thanks so much to you and everyone else who has given this a read and feedback.

      Truly appreciate it!

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  10. In lieu of a traditional query letter, I propose we (ME) send a fruit basket, or the keys to a new car to a perspective agent. LOL. Um, okay, NOT. I really enjoyed your advice and tips on my queries BTW. And, because of you and Heather, Cold-de-Sac about the female Russian spy will be my next novel I finish. Perhaps, I should shelve Jackpot. ): Cold-de-Sac is more of a passion. Petra must live!

    Now on with your query, m'lady! I love your opening line! Strong and makes me cheer for your heroine, Anna-Maria. Hooked already. Not sure what a "tinker's patch" is, but hey, there's lots of things I don't know. So, skip this. Why does Cornelius get under her skin? And, why would Anna-Maria desire a "down-on-his-luck" minstrel? These are questions I had after reading the query. I think you've done a terrific job with writing and telling an agent what your story is about. Good job!!

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    1. Thanks for your comments, Wildcat!
      FYI for anyone. A tinker is the "Tim-the-Toolman" who would wander from village to village (middle ages until even the last century) fixing broken pots and pans, and other everyday stuff that may not work as well as it should. If he can't fix it, he'll buy it off your hands and turn it into something else to sell to the next guy. The original "Junk Crafter".

      As for while Anna would desire said minstrel...she doesn't. But she's got a bad hand of cards and Neil is the best option she has. Don't ya hate choices that are "Bad or Worse?"

      Thanks for your review!

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  11. Oh, I love this. Love it! You've got an excellent query I think. Mhy only suggestions would be to get rid of everything after "trilogy" in the last paragraph and to omit everything after the word "expect" in the last sentence in paragraph one.

    I'd ask for pages!

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    1. Awesome! Thanks E.B.! Looking over the sentences you suggest removing. Appreciate your clarity and honesty. And encouragement, too! :)

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  12. I'm sorry I'm so late - my electricity went off for three hours last night, right when I sat down to participate in the blog hop!

    You have a great opening line! It made me laugh, which is always good. :) You were able to sum up the story neatly, and still maintain your voice.

    And congratulations and good luck for the request!

    I don't know if it matters, but the part in the second paragraph about how Neil comes back to Anna's house disguised confused me a bit. It might be helpful to say something about how he rides off, but returns to XX. I couldn't figure out if it was his plan to return all along, did he want to woo her, did he get waylaid, did he get waylaid and then use it to his advantage to find out who is trying to steal his kindgdom? I think that's the only part that gave me pause. Otherwise I thought you did a fabulous job.

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