This has been a hard parenting weekend. I feel like I'm a great mom for about five minutes and then, I 'blow it' as I discover a new crazy mess or someone has a tantrum (and I join right in) or I totally lose the spirit of a wonderful Stake Conference as I wrestle (literally) with my children.
Oh, do I need Grace! Oh, do I need help! Oh, I need a God who understands my failures and weaknesses.
I can feel the depression trying to sneak up on me again. I can't let it over take me now. Things are WAY too hard. There is just not any room on my worry list for one more thing...especially not that.
So, the job will eventually not be so stressful.
The paycheck will eventually be more.
The boys will eventually learn how to behave in public, and maybe at home too!
The house will eventually look inviting and beautiful.
My creativity will eventually be published in a tangible, hardcover that others will read.
I will eventually learn the art of turning a blind eye and counting to ten.
I will eventually be able to fully trust that my God has me in his hand and is guiding me on...
on to a better place.
And hopefully sometime soon, I can fully trust that he truly does love me, despite my weaknesses and imperfections.
I want to trust that, no matter what, He REALLY loves me.
"I don't mind your odd behavior,
it's the very thing I savor.
If you were an ice cream flavor,
You would be my favorite one."
If I can feel this way about my kids (on a good day, I must admit) then surely God must feel that way towards me...even when I throw a tantrum and want to hand in my Mommy license.
"I have loved you from the start.
Believe me when I say,
It's not about your scars....
It's all about your heart."
My heart is here. It's open and it's hurting. I want so badly to do better; to do more.
In my heart, I am all those things I am trying to be-all the things I pretend to be.
I'm just not fully there yet.
"You're a butterfly held captive
small and safe inside your cocoon
Go on, you can take your time;
Time is said to heal all wounds."
Now is the time of our mortality, to go through a metamorphosis of growth (including failure, repentance, forgiveness and correction). Someday, this caterpillar that I see within will unfurl its beautiful wings and soar.
God, give me the strength to keep going. Give me the will to keep trying. Give me patience with myself and others. And give me the miracle of metamorphosis...that I can become what you have envisioned, even though, when I'm having a hard time, all I see is the lowly worm.